ThE CoMeDy CoNtiNuES

Current Mood: sick

so i am back for more, i have been doing the whole myspace thing and i dont know which one i like better.

Ask me what i am doing right now? Cutting work, clocked in at the pool and going back to clock out at 8. i know it sounds bad but whatever, i dont feel good.

Current Mood: gloomy

just got back from the stressful vacation of Panama City '05.i feel like i am having with-drawl or something, the lack of alcohol in my sysetem is depressing me. I am back here in the real world which sucks.I got my eye brow pierced, so basically my dads gonna rip it off when i see him tomarrow.I just keep thinking about this trip to panama and how diffrent it is from the last one. It was chill i was with my best friends, warm climate, i met this guy that is just plain histarical, i didnt go out 1 night, not one. The kappa sigs were fun, i probably havent laughed so hard in my life. We lived in a condo for eight, yet managed to squeeze 14. Every night i was up till like 5 am laughing. I had the best day of my life drinking with the girls, going to a "hot tub" in a hotel room, bonging beers in the hot tub, and laughing with my GENERICS. Last time i was in panama for spring break, i was a jr. in high school i was staight edge and first started drinking, its been down hill ever since, seriously.Within a week i was so hammered i couldnt remember my name or where my bruises came from. i was scared to go back to school because i knew every one was talking about my drunk ass...  This year was good clean fun.

 Its thursday and i am back already, i called my dad to tell him i was on my way home he asked me if i was ok, why  was i coming home early from spring break? Like he was shocked i wasnt hammered or something ? Yet for some reason i dont feel good, i am exhaused, and my mind crazy. I am coming home with a bar though my eye brow and a sun blister on my lip, but lucky for my dad last year i came home in a wheel chair "surprize" so we can say this is a little better. I probably gained an extra 10 pounds, lost my voice, and my phone to the tsunamii from hell (may it rest in peace.) I dont want to go back to school, i am sick of it man. I am going to have to change alot of things in my life next week.

Current Mood: touched

Happy st. pats day! I woke up this morning in a home that i didnt know, with my roomie and i was sleeping on the floor man! after sobering up and showering i read an email from my dad. I started being the emotional basketcase that i am ( what the hell is wrong with me) and just thinking about how lucky i am to be alive, go to school, to be a KD... I have lost tons of people in my life, and i never got the chance to tell things i should have. SO if you are reading this, thanks for being apart of my life.I wrote my sisters an email for no reason to let them know how much i love them, because they are the family i have always wanted but never had...
I love knowing I have a family in KD.
I love going out to a party and noticing that its not the "cute" boys
i look forward to seeing, any more...
I love knowing that WE were hand picked for KD
I love knowing that we were sisters by chance, friends by choice.
I love knowing that no matter how hard i try to hide my feelings some
one knows some thing is wrong.
I love the fact my favorite college memories involve KD.
I love knowing that when i go home, people dont understand what it is
to be a KD at wku.
I love knowing that i have some one to laugh with, raise hell with,
and cry with.
I love knowing that if i am in trouble, i have a sister to call.
Its my roomie's b-day i went out with her last night... and wow this morning is nuts. I drunk dialed and feel kinda silly for it! some times i need to look around me and realize and appreachate the thing i take for granted.

Current Mood: sick

I am at home right now, and it is a slow hell. My poor mom is clinging on to me like a leech because she has nothing in her life, it is beyond depressing. I dont feel comfortable here, in my own home? Isnt that wrong ? I cant stand it i am never coming back here, I should always stay in Bowling Green! I am just overly stressed because i have been so sick. I have had the flu and a fever of 102. I miss being able to go to class ( liking it,) having my room clean, a working computer, and getting drunk with my sisters. I miss it all so much! Right now i am so pale the tanning beds followed by spring break are SCREAMING my name. If i werent so weak i would go right now! I just want to get through this week then i will be ok.

The more i think about school though the more confused i get, because i dont know what to major in. I dont want to give up my dreams, i dont want to just be average, but i cant be a theater major any more. I dont want to have classes with all the theather kids anymore, so exclusive they are, and i am sick of it. I cant wait to get all my classes out of the way. I am really looking forward to next semister, new classes, new place to live, rush! I guess i am looking forward to starting over, again.

Current Mood: Lost
Current Music: addicted

He still haunts me.... Every where i go, my thoughts, my dreams, my social events. no matter what i am on my guard and i hate it. I just want him to be out of my life, i wish i never met him.

My mind works faster than my fingers and although it might not make any since who i just need to vent a little:Because of you is my new favorite song. Its my life, i didnt like kelly till now...

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life. My heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with.                                                     Because of you i try to just forget everything, because of you i dont know how to let any one elese in, because of you i find it hard to trust not only me, but every one around me. Because of you i am afraid.

My life is so messed up right now. I havent slept in my own bed for nights, i havent had more than 4 hours of sleep since i dont know when. I am writting this to remember where my life has gone this week: Wednesday night: my roomie and i got hammered and went to sae dodgeball, then to beer pong with one of my bigs. after after party at sarah beth/rosie/katie's house. I walked there from the sigma chi house, alone. Shannon passed out on the couch.Thurday: some one is in shannons bed when i wake up, thank god it was her. On the way to class we decided we were still drunk and went to eat instead. I went to one class, my roomie went to Canada. Its paiges birthday! Met up with her, went to step.( Andy was there i swear he haunts me, i cant get away from him, honeslty i just cant figure it out,  every time i see him it ruins my day. He said i left him a message from the night before)..Then  had a party in the DWAIN and then went to SAE party where Paige and i ended up shacking elese where.Friday: Paige picked me up, i did the walk of shame to her car.We went to the Sig Ep cook out, then SAE party where 10 kegs and 1000 people werent a good combo, i got to climb on the beer stage! I saw Lance whom I havent seen in forever was great, till i saw ryan and blew him a kiss. I guess that was a mean gesture? I didnt mean for it to be but he didnt like it since i was talking to lance? i dunno how that goes. As we start to leave guess who has to come in... Andy. with the girl that pref'd me at adpi, if i didnt know him i would thing that he isnt that cute really. For some reason, i dunno i guess its the risk factor. I drove Moyer and Chachie to rosies. Every guy apprently continued the try to grab/slap my ass game, which i had enough of ALL night! I got a little violent towards the end of the night. Started taking shots, ryan kept calling me and  some dude answerd the phone, i think that he is really pissed now.Never seen Casigrande so hammered before, wow... Lance had a tramatic night with his roomie so he  picked me up and i stayed with him.Saturday: Lance had to go to work at 8 am, convient. I went to the dorm and took a shower cleaned the dwain and then it was dads day. After my sister bitched me out and ripped my heart out i had to get her, she lost her keys in my room and the car was parked here still.  I was crying and she says " are you gonna get ready, you usually do your hair and make up" so i start to cry even more. I have spanish voice mails from ryan, i think it says fuck you. Great I suck!

Current Mood: crushed

Its deffinitly cats and dogs here, i feel so low right now. Almost everything that could go wrong is...

1.My family is falling apart

2. I got a progress report telling me i am gonna fail

3.Spring Break is comming up in two weeks and i weigh what i did my sophomore year in high school. (Not good at all i was fat.) I have 0.00 dollars to my name and i owe for spring break and the cost of food to go. It sux to be the ugly and fat duckling of the group.

4. Its paiges and Amelia's birthdays this week, I usually make my gifts but once again money comes into play being that i have none. I cant buy materials and even if idid i dont have a car to take me there.

5. My sister called me yesterday to tell me i dont do anything. If i did any more my head would freakn explode! If spirit chair, merchindizing chair, and photographer assistant, spring sing, and intermurals werent enough plus school then go ahead and shoot me, because i might have time to relax. See thats the thing that bothers me, i am never good enough for my family or any one elese for that matter. I cant stand my family, I dont want to do any of this for them i want to do it for me, so i am not like them. Just cant i live my life, i would be so productive if they would just let me be myself honestly. I know I am not the golden child i never have been, i just want to live my life and not be distressed over how my family would feel about it.

6. I dont like going out any more, i hate guys trying to feel all over me or dance with me, seriously i just wanna get drunk and laugh about shit, you dont meet guys your gonna date a parties, you just dont. Apparently what i hear is that half of guys on this campus have told lies about me. Apparent a guy who wont talk to me any more because i wouldnt have sex with him told his whole frat at the begging of the year i did. Therefor i know why everytime i go to their parties everyone is mean to me. They dont respect me, and i wouldnt either if i slept with his dumbass, but the sad thing is i didnt and i have to suffer for making the right decsions. Guys ruine everything, i am over it. I came to college to get away from boys, why do they always find me?

I am my own worst enemy and it dosent change anything when people say i am too hard on myself, if i was harder on myself i wouldnt have all these problems in my life that suck. They would be fixed, taken care of and not an issue. I am not even a control freak. I DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER... I cried myself to sleep last night till my roomie overheard me and go out of bed to talk to me, i love her. She is the best roomate in the world i am so lucky to have sister like her!

 Being stranded on a desert island wouldnt be that bad, honestly. If any one knows a cruise ship that has the fate of gillians island, sign me up.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.

What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: sad

3 weeks ago i warned him, "dont get involved, trust me. Quit now!"Go me, first boyfriend lasted for almost 3 weeks... Last night he (drunker than all hell) walked 2 miles to see me, and poured his heart out to me. As nice of a gesture as that is... I cant handle it, it hurt me so much what i have done to this poor boy. He cried, and told me how much i meant to him. I do care about him, i love him to death, but i cant be in a relationship with him because i am going to destroy him, because i suck. I know what its like to feel like shit and be totally broken and i dont want to do that to him. I am in too deep so i had to break things off. I cant handle those types of feelings right now i dont have time for it. Call me selfish or stupid or even a bitch, i hate that he cried to me it breaks my heart. i am sorry. boys never listen!

Current Mood: sad

My valentine... Every thing was so simple, and now i just feel bad for him because i cant explain whats wrong or whats going on in my crazy head.  I feel so bad because he dosent deserve this at all i cant help it though, i dont care about what has happend in my past or how many times he tells me its ok, its not. tell me you love me, i dont know what that is, i am so confused, i am sorry to be like this.

How i feel right now? I think J.M. wrote this song for me...

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

Current Mood: confused

It sucks being in a predicament. So its valentines day and yeah i like ryan. But the other is still heavy in my heart, mind, soul. As much as my friends hate it and idcourage it i cant help it, he is in my heart of hearts, i swear i love him. He is in my mind when i sleep when i wake up, he makes me wanna work harder to be better, i love him. Yet at the same time i dont know what love is, i dont even believe in it. How can i love someone when i dont even believe it is possible, we fit perfectly together and when others try to date me they dont compare, and when i try to move on i hear a song or he will leave a message, my heart is no longer existant because he took it, it broke with all his promises and lies. So how do i tell someone who "is scared to live a day with out me" that i still have feeling for some one elese? He has my heart and until i get it back no one elese can have any part of it.

Current Mood: contemplative

The last few weeks have been kinda crazy, i will admit it. I feel like i dont even go to school because i barely have class. Last semister i hung out with my big a lot and now i hang out with my cheetahs and have been having a blast. Even walmart turns into a crazy event. I quit smoking yesterday, i feel like today will make me or break me, haha. I am probably the leaste healthy person on earth. Eatting... unfortantly i am the kind of glutton who gets a bag of cookies and in a few hours wonder " Who ate my cookies?" Being the only one in the room. So i just need to stop that, because i feel like ass in the morning, and you cant even imagine what my ass feels like literally...

So i am kinda dating this guy, once again i am in a situation where its basically up to how long i can hold up till i get freaked out. I like him, its just i start dating some one and we are like unseperable for days and then i get freaked out because we do the whole married couple thing. Which I CANT DO! you know when they start dropping the "W" bomb, things are like "we need to quit."  Then when i get this really weird feeling he will do something like go out of his way to make me feel good, or tell me i am pretty or that i worry to much. Maybe nice guys really do finish last? I suck he is amazing and talented, he has a full ride for god sakes. So why do i like hard to get ass holes, who arent going anywhere in life and make me cry...

THE GREATEST THING HAPPEND TO ME........... 

At the game on saturday the folks drove down, yeah my dad on his crutches. We went out to eat and then i went back to the dorm to drink with my roomie and meet the rest of them at the game. Well, i got a call and was asked to take the scholarship shot for a semister of free tutition, i said "no" and continued to drink, but my sister insisted i go. There was only one catch i had to be there in one minute, so me wearing my boots and a skirt sprinted to Diddle Arena, still outta breath they gave me a red shirt, and started to inform me about what i was doing. Conviently, the guy who was giving me the rules is one of bryans fraturanty bros from louisville. Who keeps adding things inbetween like " How is satori? Would you all ever get back together? You should really call him? I loved seeing you wrestle some one in our chapter room!" Talk about a small world! I was informed to 1.) dont dribble the ball 2.) Stand at the 3 pt line 3) I was the only contestant 4.) i only got one shot. Then i was asked if i was nervous and i said "no i have nothing to lose but i feel like i am living in an eminem song!" The next thing you know i was on the court surrounded by wku fans, this happend so fast. I saw myself on the big screen, my sister taking pictures by the goal. The Ford funiture people by the door were yelling "we want to give you a scholar ship take our money!" I was standing there, and IT WENT IN! IT ACTUALLY WENT IN! I dont remember shooting it, it must have been God. Pure shock, 100 % pure shock. My jaw just dropped and the whole stadium was cheering, you would think no one would care but they were going crazy. My sister ran the floor and hugged me and i almost cried. The best thing is that my parents were there, my lil old dad on his crutches and my shirinking mom by his side, they were there to see it. That has been a weight off my shoulders. My dad is still recovering, been unemployed for 2 years.  My sister who went into college with 17 hours has always been held over my head, and now i get a free semister of tution, couldnt have been happier. I got to be a celebrity all night, people yelling out of their cars,little kids to old men and women were shaking my hand and congradulating me. Apparently i am the first girl to ever make that shot! It is really one of the best things to ever happen to me, my family really needed this! 

No! Isn't that awesome? Yay you! You've won the quiz and will be just fine as your tough woman self.

 Congratulations, you are Secretly Evil!

Current Mood: Heated

Whatever happend to people meaning what they say? I swear i am never going out again, my buddy called and i was going to meet up with him. (I was all by myself because i got to have a role in a film and it lasted till 12:30, so not only tired and looking like hell, i have no friends with me.) Boys, the thing that stresses me out, i think i need to get them all out of my life, they ruin everything. If you are friends they start to like you and kill the friendship, or they lead you on so you start to like them and then its just weird, but if you date them they will dick you over.. nice!  "put up or shut up." Honestly, I love hearing "i want a girl friend, your such a cool girl..." followed by him flirting with me and then looking over my shoulder seeing him with another girl. You know its brilliant, abuse a friendship. It sucks being some ones friend because then you care about them in a certain way it not just like a "fling", so when they disapoint you sux that you gave them the chance to let you down. Thanks for the unfaithful talks and advice, thanks for making me smile when i was sad, because it was all fake. One "friend" in particualar is so great taste in music, smart, deep, great style, cute, tan, i had held him on another level after talking to him about relationships and why we do what we do, and it kills me that everything he said... he didnt mean obviously.

 What is sad is the negitive attention, ( I hate it) yeah alright i admit it i have gained alot of weight and its gone to my ass and thighs... i heard. "Yeah she has a great body though" Coming from behind me in a low voice, a group of guys i HAD respect for, i pretended that i didnt hear them. That makes me sick, please look at me like i am a piece of meat...oh better off... ASS. I did get some complements, and that is the thing... simple things in life does it for me. Like complements, mannors, respect. Which sounds sooo my mom, but honestly if you let them treat me like trash, then its ok. And NO its not ok. Dont Rub my back, TRY TO KISS ME, be disrespectful, or any thing elese sneaky... because i am better than that, and if they dont like it FUCK OFF. I am not a dumb bitch, GOD knows there are way too many who are and way too many that try to be...

 Get on my level, i am done.

The highlight of the night, would have to be trying to help others get a ride, and i got left in the process.

WKU wednesday 7:30 MMTH... See the film i was in